Ok, so the 2nd big secret, Attention – specifically the need to control your attention if you want to develop ‘Power Over Yourself’ – the best drug in the world. Yep, at the beginning, it all has to do with HOW you look at the world, what you do with your eyes…
So for this one I’ve changed the approach a little, I’m going to focus both on the method and what you do with the results, as the method is EVERYTHING when we need to CONTROL YOUR ATTENTION, and hence control your HIGH level of ‘Attachment’, your continual ‘State of Identification’, as that is WHY you NEED to control your attention. Currently your LACK Power over yourself – because you give it away to random crap you look at. See, right now you are ALWAYS looking ‘at’ things, that you look DIRECTLY AT stuff ALL THE TIME, and that is a big ass mistake, spiritually speaking…
See, very much like your posture problem, your main issue is the negative behavior that is causing this lack of Power over yourself – you are addicted to staring at stuff, at screens, at images, particularly about exciting, heroic, magical fantasies that you want to ‘be’, mythical stories that you want to experience, rather than what you actually are – you mainline ‘escapism’, in all its forms. HOWEVER, unlike Posture, it cannot actually be fixed by avoiding this type of escapism or that one, by aversion therapy to this pathetic time-wasting habit or that one, cause you are never going to do it… You have to go beyond what ‘it’ does and head into the unknown, fix the underlying issue, the central cause of the hyperarousal that is fucking you every day. You have to fix that ‘state of mind’, or it is simply never going to work – you have to change, but you can’t because this state is all you know, right now you need that state just to exist. So we have to use a FORCED method to break that states hold over you BEFORE what it does ‘acts out’, and then you will change, whether you intend to or not…
Before we start, want to know just how damn old this stuff is, how long the great and good have known this method as part of the fundamental, everyday mechanism of spiritual development?
Look at the picture above again…. See I choose the feature images for these posts in a very considered way, usually to try and touch a nerve in you from some previous association you may or may not have. This one is different, as the Secret of Spiritual Attention is basically encoded in that picture, right there for all to see, should you know what you are looking at.. Trust me, Old Kingdom Egyptian Royalty, dedicated followers of the 4th way via their secret Mystery School tradition, did know what they were looking at..
This image shows the God Horus handing an ‘Ankh’ to Pharaoh, giving it to him in a VERY particular way. They have found it on Old Kingdom Tomb walls that are 5000+ years old, but there are even older ones – no one knows how old that symbol is, it seems to predate any known history, coming from the ‘dark age’ they call the Predynastic period from 6000 to 3000BC. Countless Egyptian tombs have this type of image, King Tut to many you have never heard of all the way to the end of proper Egyptian history around 30BC after it became a Roman Province – it’s a fundamental part of the religion of the ancients.
That symbols translated description is the ‘Key to Life’, but the ‘Key to Living’ is a better version – clearly Pharaoh is already alive and already a Pharaoh. It contains an exact representation of what you need to do to use the most important secret for everyone at the start, it’s utter genius. But no one has the smallest idea of what it actually means or what it’s called – the word ‘Ankh’ does not really exist, it’s another one of those made up out of its possible ‘soundalikes’. All the explanations are just guesses based on what combinations of other stuff this historian or that ‘sees’ in the image, usually combinations of other symbols, also misinterpreted, therefore they are largely total bollocks.
Thankfully we do know, and I’m going to tell you, as it’s one of the greatest yet easiest Secrets you will ever learn, the SECRET TO CONTROLLING YOUR ATTENTION. If interested I will explain what ancient symbols actually are, and therefore how to interpret them, in a separate Awful Truth post, its too long to fit here. Read it and you will discover that every religious Cross symbol you will ever see MEANS EXACTLY THE SAME THING. Much as modern Christians seem to have forgotten this, the Gnostics sure as hell knew what it actually means to be a ‘Crucified’ Man/Woman – if you take a look at all the old types of ‘Christian’ cross out there, all the extra bits that used to be on these crosses, you start to see how much has been lost over the years…
This secret is the 2nd of the big 3 secrets for the gifted to enable you to start to Practice. The next is about How to Practise itself, prior to this I did the foundation of Spiritual Posture, so read that now if you have not already. Much as I will further explain the Ride as a process later, be aware this one refers to the 2nd part. It’s a long post as we are getting more technical now but don’t give up halfway through when your attention span fails you, I’ve tried to sprinkle it with as much gold dust as I can so pay ‘attention’ to the details, particularly the end..
Secret No 6 – The greatest mistake EVERYBODY makes at the start in this life is that they do not control their Attention so they can’t control their thoughts. You MUST do this, using the ancient method that has always been used – I will use the Buddhist version, specifically the full version of Calm Abiding, just to give you a reference point, with a couple of bells added on from the past. This is NOT a form of meditation, it is literally an everyday method for using your eyes ‘under control’ and dealing with the number 1 problem all Gifted folks have and need to guard against, what Buddhists call ‘Attachment’, again to use a modern translation. The Russian 4th Way actually uses Identification for this which is one of the few times their name is worthy of consideration as it hits modern folks better – you Identify with what you look at, the pattern you make of it in your mind ‘becomes you’, takes your thoughts over through their ongoing Association with that pattern. And that is a bad thing, because it takes you away from yourself, you lose more of your ‘Power Over Yourself’, and actually LOWER your level of Consciousness.
Be clear, I’m going to teach you the trick to Non-Attachment now, the most basic technique to conserve and hence build yourself up, the real ‘Key to Living’. See, this Key is about actually living, about having Power Over Yourself and improving your Level of Consciousness as a side effect, the 2 big goals on the Left-Hand path. And it’s really bloody easy should you be willing to put the time into practicing this. See the Ankh as a symbol is about your Attention, specifically how you use your EYES in everyday life. Using the method encoded in the Ankh TOGETHER with the Spiritual Posture method will start to give you some ‘Space’ in your head to both ‘think’ new thoughts and ‘remember’ to think those thoughts more often – give you a little taste of working on developing Power Over Yourself, of Dominion, which will result in you becoming more Conscious.
The Ankh symbol is one of the classic Egyptian set of 3, with the ‘Was’ Scepter and ‘Djed’ Pillar, as the core concepts at the heart of the 4th way, delivered as so many are by correct interpretation of ancient signs and symbols. I’ll cover these symbols and more (eg the related ‘Tyet’ and unrelated ‘Eye of Wadjet’, ‘Uraeus’) in a separate post as it’s not crucial for progress but it is worth ‘knowing’, as the knowledge captured in these symbols is at the core of the 4th way from the beginning of time on this planet. This knowledge, like so much else, was thought lost, but it’s not lost at all, it’s there, ‘hidden in plain sight’, again like so much else.
See we are people of the Past here on the Left-Hand path, we don’t really believe in ‘modern’, in ‘nice’, in fake morality, in the science delusion, in the social media delusion, in the caring capitalist delusion, in the State, in the health fads or the influencers… we know this has all been done before.
Now, before we start the Ankh method to Non-Attachment, I need to give you the point of all this, you need to understand the context – why it’s here this early and what it helps you do, much as that is no use to you at the moment. See, this method is designed to help break the ‘chain of your thoughts’ that are largely triggered by the mechanism of Attachment, so you can start to develop Power Over Yourself. By kicking the stool of Attachment out from under I’m giving you some help to do this, by creating some ‘Space’ in your mind. The next bit is ‘Why’ this is important and ‘What’ you need to do after you have lowered your State of Attachment with this method, what you use that new ‘Space’ for – to start to Use your gift, to ‘Go Against Yourself’, at will.
So, I’m going to quickly explain your State of Attachment so you have a good concept mentally, particularly how it enables the process of ‘Going Against Yourself’, how to actually do it in the here and now. Most modern people find this new activity VERY HARD simply because they don’t know the simple way to do it. It is also worth stating that you are going to start to see the Daoist approach to the Method, which is to break the full thing down into a sequence of steps that you need to get good at one at a time, rather than all together. These methods build on top of each other, so we don’t replace them later – what I’m telling you now will become the basis for several other things later. So don’t worry if you don’t get all this the first time around..
Now the beauty of the Ankh method is that it’s one of the only ways you can directly affect the ‘State of Attachment’ that you are spending your life in, identifying with every damn thing you look at. This state means you are LEAKING, you suffer from one of the primary forms of ‘Incontinence’, as Zen folks say, your power, your gift is being ‘used up’ by looking at crap all the time. Yep, looking at stuff all the time, specifically ‘recognizing’ it, has a COST and is the reason many people who spend their life on screens are tired all the damn time. Stopping this is the number 1 way to start to build yourself up, as it also has the massive benefit of starting to ‘Use your mind’, rather than be ‘Used by It’. All of this random thinking has an energetic price, as many of even the modern great and the good have figured out over the years – many scientists and philosophers are VERY careful to conserve their thoughts when they are working, and go to huge lengths to remove the need to think about anything other than what they are focused on.
Controlling your mind is what this is ultimately about day to day, don’t forget that – you MUST do it consciously, you must decide. See your high state of Attachment to things causes you to think in a particularly bizarre way ALL THE BLOODY TIME, it causes you to spend most of your life in some form of daydream, in your imagination, to a greater or lesser degree and that is a BAD THING. The process goes from recognizing an Attachment, to pattern matching an Association, and then your desires/aversions trigger your Imagination, over and over again. By this seductive, waterfall method you lose control of your mind – you look at something, link it to something else, then start to imagine all this crap about it. It’s all totally ‘out of control’, little more than pulling the handle on a ‘one-armed bandit’, because of your state of attachment, so you waste yourself on meaningless crap, you imagine this or that FOR NO REASON AT ALL – it is unreal, you use your imagination to process everything. So, ‘You’ must control your attention in a VERY specific way in order to break the State of Attachment in everyday life and that will stop the rest of it.
This state is why your Attention is so easily captured by anything and everything, why you want to look at everything happening around you. It’s an animal survival state and is the fundamental pillar of what Hyperarousal is. This is the principal reason you are such a mess – you are being controlled by conditions, you have little will of your own. You go along with this because you don’t really know another way exists, but it does, indeed the different state is actually your normal state. Hyperarousal driven by the mechanism of Attachment is an animal state that is about Killing stuff, about Life and Death, Eat or Starve, it’s not about lying in bed watching the ‘news’. Got that?
Now the hard bit – over the years I noticed that modern folks have the hardest time with one particular aspect and need a lot more help to ‘prepare’ them. You need to get the mechanism you are trying to effect here, get the approach you need to use against it. This Routine, (because it will need to become a routine) is the beginning of GOING AGAINST YOURSELF, against your existing EGO – your desires, moods, inclinations, dislikes, all the current crap that makes you up. The vast majority of this is FAKE, you have copied it from others, you have made it up as a kid to be liked, you have followed the herd – it’s not what you actually think, it is what 4th wayer’s call FALSE PERSONALITY and its TOTAL CRAP. See you are taught from a young age to mimic things, to copy adults as the WAY YOU LEARN, learn to walk, learn to speak, learn to write, hour after hour, after hour. It is no surprise when that behavior makes up the rest of you too – you may think you are different, but you ‘like’ what your dad likes, you ‘do’ what your mate does. Sadly you ‘are what you do’, not what you ‘think you do’, as that is largely an illusion, an animal thing.
This ability, to go against yourself, is the FUNDAMENTAL PROCESS you need to get used to, have it on your mind all the time. If you don’t do this, if you always ‘go with yourself’, EVERYTHING that happens to you is automatically created by the existing mental pattern of your past Associations, triggered by the mechanism of Attachment – you react ‘automatically’ with thoughts that are ‘strained through’ a set pattern created by ‘recognizing’ a stimulus provided by your eyes. You are what you ‘look at’ in this state, it controls you for that time. Because that ‘set’ pattern ‘produces’ your next thoughts automatically you cannot ‘think’ your way out of this cycle, unless you are prepared to think other thoughts instead of the ones that appear in your head, otherwise you are simply reliving the same shit, different day, OVER and OVER again, like A RUSTY MACHINE.
Going against yourself is the big problem on the 4th way that EVERYONE HAS at the start, see I know you can’t fix this at the moment, no matter what you read or want – you are stuck at this level, you Identify with all your thoughts and moods as ‘you’, there is nothing else. Even when you occasionally go against your thoughts or moods it’s only really because you think someone else would ‘judge’ you, so you better not ‘act that out’, which is basically the same thing, as another part of your mind places more value on the effect (fear) of that external judgment than on the desire. You are still controlled by your circumstances, by your life experience, the conditions you exist in day to day. But there is a way forward..
What we on the 4th Way love about this JUDGING mechanism as it’s an easy doorway into RAISING YOUR LEVEL OF CONSCIOUSNESS. Yep, the simple mental activity of remembering and then judging yourself (which together are called ‘Reflecting’), say a remembering a recent thought or action of yours and deciding if it was right or wrong, actually raises your level of consciousness for a moment. For that moment you get a brief taste of the real ‘you’. You don’t need to think this up from scratch, you can (right now) start judging yourself and CHANGING your actions for no other reason than it will MAKE YOU BETTER. To try and be better at something simply because ‘you’ have decided to do this, to ‘exert that will of your own, when your alone’, in the immortal words of that Abba song. To have this attitude of challenging yourself to be better ‘on your mind’, all the time, is the attitude of a seeker.
This is a correct way of ‘thinking’, of directing your thinking, instead of having your thinking directing you, which is what currently happens – some call this random thought generation ‘Associative Thinking’, and its simply a subset of (creative) thinking that has taken over the whole shop, because its THE EASIEST WAY TO THINK. You need to direct your thinking, by changing your attitude toward it, by instilling the new attitude of always looking to ‘judge, change and perfect yourself’ in everything you do that ‘matters’. Right now you just wing it, ‘faking it every day, as that is the modern way…’ because that is what you see everyone do – it’s our society’s (not so) ‘new normal’, it’s easy. Judging yourself and changing is HARD, at the beginning, because you have to go against yourself to do it, even just to remember to do it requires a lot of effort.
THAT IS WHY THE VAST MAJORITY OF PEOPLE AS ADULTS NEVER DO THIS, see you never judge yourself AND decide to change because of it, even when you think you are doing it. If you do judge yourself at all what happens is you then simply justify yourself, when you are in some way challenged and proved wrong in this way or that – you come up with an excuse NOT TO CHANGE, cause it was not my fault, you say, circumstances were against me this time, next time I’ll be fine. YOU NEVER ACCEPT THE NEED TO CHANGE AND GROW because you simply don’t have the right attitude – you believe you are ALREADY A FINISHED PRODUCT. Bad news, you are REALLY not, you (your fecked-up personality) is a broken, neglected machine that does not want to change – unless you are desperate, everyone has a strong tendency to be conceited, to always believe you are right in your judgments. The very definition of false personality is that IT DOES NOT WANT TO CHANGE, and will literally fight you to stay the same. The real you WANTS TO CHANGE, that how you know it is the real you… get it? Seriously, are you happy being the way you are now FOREVER? REALLY…?
It’s important to understand this – the whole mechanism of Judgment, (Self Reflection if you prefer) is a way to Raise Your Level of Consciousness RIGHT NOW, however small and however briefly you do it for, to look at yourself in the 3rd person, rather than the 1st person, and have an ‘opinion’ based on that reflection. BUT you must do it correctly, as the big danger at the beginning is you will quickly get sidetracked into ‘Justfying’ thoughts, rather than ‘higher’ opinions. Justifying thoughts are your existing patterns ‘defending themselves’, much as they are retrospective, they are still the same patterns, often presented as a rather pathetic ‘dog ate my homework’ excuse. Yes, your patterns will actually fight back, particularly with the big stuff, the stuff that kinda defines your current character. See your patterns always ‘believe’ they are right because THEY HAVE TO BE TO SURVIVE, even when you know they are wrong, BECAUSE THEY DON’T WANT TO CHANGE, BECAUSE CHANGE MEANS THEY DIE. Get this – you can’t change this aspect of yourself or that one unless you stop believing in it, unless you disown it, and throw it under the bus, which is very hard. However those treasured but ultimately useless bits of yourself still have real value for the gifted, as they burn really bright in the bonfire of your vanities, and that heat is REALLY useful, spiritually speaking, as you will discover should you get that far…
So don’t try the big stuff at first, try the small stuff, try the stuff that doesn’t really matter, try the lazy stuff, the childish stuff, all those cute little hangups you have from growing up. At the beginning you don’t even really need to do anything about that opinion, just HAVE AN OPINION about this or that, like ‘yeah I really should hang my expensive jacket up, no excuse’, after you just dropped it on the floor. Be CERTAIN of that opinion, learn to ‘underline it as a decision’, and DON’T REVISIT IT. DON’T say ‘yeah I really should hang my expensive jacket up BUT what the hell…. I’m Drunk or Bored or Tired or Broken Emotionally or In a Hurry or a Dork/Skank’. A lot of Left-Hand path folks insert ‘No Excuses’ to actually stop the automatic Justification of stupid behavior/thoughts, so do it if it helps, as the habit of justification is the no1 defense false personality uses against ‘you’. It does not matter if the ‘excuse’ is justified, you have to stop the excuse as a point of principle. If you need a habit to learn (and you do) then say it to yourself under your breath, talk to yourself, use your first name like ‘That was stupid (name), you should hang your expensive jacket up now, no excuses’. If you are gifted at all you will start to act on those conversations quite quickly, indeed immediately for highly gifted. However, if you add ANY justification into that little speech, you won’t do a damn thing, indeed you have wasted your time, as that justification, everything after the ‘BUT’ cancels out everything you just said to yourself.
Be clear – any justification AGAINST a considered opinion that has already led to you ‘making a decision’ is so BAD it actually lowers your level of Consciousness, you are actually getting dumber every time you do. Know that it’s not a terribly good idea to tell yourself you have just acted like a fool, a dork, a skank all the time and then NOT CORRECT IT, otherwise you will get worse, as what the fuck is ‘your’ opinion actually worth then? NOTHING. You are a fool, and you clearly stopped caring about yourself a long time ago…
So then, for the weak and foolish amongst you… I know you may belong to the subset of the gifted where you don’t value yourself, and hence don’t value your opinion either and that is a real problem – you are a ‘slave’, both to the pleasure/pain principle and your parasites, you are a muse, an addict, a layabout, a villain (read the Lethargy post again..). Frankly I amazed you have read this far, maybe someone else is forcing you to read this, maybe you feel you have too, who knows… There is not much I can do to help you with that, other than to advise you take a long hard look in the mirror and then scream GET A GRIP, loud as you can – there is no point to living as a slave, period. No one is coming to save you, and if you think they are or have already it is most likely they are just another nasty parasite who is conning you, who pretends to ‘have your back’, cause you pay them in some way, as another form of control. Indeed, it is likely that you have relationship after relationship like this, that this process is actually what you think relationships ‘are’. But you are wrong… YOU HAVE TO DO IT, BECOME A ‘TRYER’ – YOUR GOD HELPS THOSE WHO HELP THEMSELVES, as the saying goes, if you can’t there is no point in others even trying. Try first and then you will be helped – I promise you that.
Any of that work for you…? No, ahh maybe you need to go the ‘desperate’ route then? Wait until the food, drink and weed don’t work anymore, wait until your mental health professionals sit you down and tell you to take 2 types of meds a day so you can function, until the cancers, diseases, bacteria that are already their pounce on your increasing weakness and manifest themselves for real, until you simply can’t manage your drug addictions and sexual health problems anymore, and you have to tell your work not to touch your blood, in case of emergencies… Maybe you are waiting to get proper sick first, until you understand that you are not immortal and it’s all you think about – DEATH. That death waits around the next corner and there is NO CHOICE but to deal with this stuff. Sadly being healthy is a big part of the Left-Hand path, its hard to follow when you are sick, as the results won’t be there, and frankly you should choose the Right-Hand path at that point, prepare yourself for death is better for you emotionally – see dealing with death (and birth) is the WHOLE POINT of that path, it has no other value to the seeker.
Ha, no – I get it now, you REALLY WANT to do all this (hence you love to read about it) but just, well, ‘NOT YET’. You are one of ‘them’.. Don’t fret however, it’s a very well-trodden path, the ‘not yet’ brigade, very common with the early Christian fathers no less, even Constantine himself, the man who constructed Christianity as a form of social control for the Roman empire (yep, that’s the reason it still exists), NEVER became a Christian (right-hand path death bed confessions don’t count for us, it’s too late…). Yeah, OK, maybe one day your increasing terror and desperation will overpower your ‘not yet’, but mostly not, plus you will be too far gone… So see it like this – ‘not yet’ means NEVER, its your false personality protecting itself, it’s your parasites winning. Rumour has it that there is a special place in hell for all the gifted who ‘know’ they are special BUT still can’t be arsed to try now, and just put it off, seeing it as a hobby, as a fad, as an interesting ‘conversation’, a ‘last resort’ – Nietzsche’s famous ‘Demon of the Rock’ called it the ‘Eternal Recurrence’, to be stuck living out the same shit all day, every day, FOREVER. How sad is that eh, that what you want?
Oh… sorry, there is one more, one more reason why you can’t change, can’t ‘go against yourself’, and A BIG ONE at that – you are a committed HEDONIST, you feel and live your ‘natural’ passions as you only real focus in life, almost as if they are an art form, like a wannabe Sasha Grey no less. You go to extremes all the time, so there is no real ‘you’ there at all sadly, you are scattered to the 4 winds all the time by your desires, you are ‘unreliable’, as a 4th wayer would say… Really. So learn the lesson of Sasha Grey then, learn how much shit is waiting for you after you ‘finish’ being that type of hedonist or this one, a feckless, attention-seeking sleaze, when you get sick of it, when you ‘grow up’, when by accident or design you catch a break and try and step away from it, to something better.. See even Sasha Grey doesn’t want to be Sasha Grey anymore, indeed she has to pay people to go through the internet and force search engines to focus on the ‘new’ Sasha Grey, on the extremely clever, creative, articulate and highly personable person she now ‘is’ (what controlled Hedonism actually looks like at a gifted level). And it doesn’t work, she is stuck receiving messages from thousands of sex trolls every damn day, 10 years after she stopped making porn, all those freaks and parasites will never let it go because they are freaks and parasites, that is all they have. I get that is an extreme example, but its important to know – one day it will be too late to change, your chance will have gone, and you won’t even notice that chequered flag floating over your head, it won’t even be a decision to step over the finish line, you won’t see it until much later, when you look back…
I really hope that it’s not too late for ‘you’, but the ONLY WAY TO KNOW IS TO TRY, NOW. The longer you leave it, the worse it will be… Hopefully, a key sign that you are a highly gifted hedonist will kick in way before that – when you have done it enough you will start to hate it, literally (as Sasha Grey did…) – only animals go on doing the same shit over and over. Ultimately acting out Hedonism bores and even irritates the Gifted, you get sick of it in an almost literal sense because at a crucial point (as you age) you actually start to feel the loss of yourself that Hedonism causes, actually in the moment of it, plus your ‘conscience’ will start to scream at you… Even the ‘attention drug’ no longer hits that hard, and the whole thing starts to feel, well really quite pathetic, ‘beneath you’. And don’t get me wrong about Sasha Grey either, to do all that and then have the ‘sand’ to try and change your whole life, to disavow what you were and be something better is really bloody impressive, to come out fighting is what we are talking about here – the trolls would have already ‘crushed’ most people. It’s just that, given the choice, you really don’t want to have to start from there, knowing that there are hours of free video of you doing, well everything, DO YOU. Again, its extreme, but you would be literally amazed at just how many otherwise gifted folks remain ‘trapped in their minds’ by a tiny fraction of that type of previous behavior, stuck in a form of low-level terror. If that is you, you may need to feel the fear and do it anyway, it probably won’t happen, or maybe remember what the Duke of Wellington said to a whore who once tried to blackmail him – ‘Publish and be Damned!’
So why not ‘try’… its easy really, because I’m making it easy for you. If you can REMEMBER to judge yourself, through chores, mundane tasks and unimportant activities at the beginning, you can start to do it all the time, and actually create more of the ‘space’ in your head you need to do it all the time, when it slowly becomes your Spiritual Character based on the Royal approach – to Perfect Yourself as the No1 focus of your life. There is no need to carry a reminder to do this, to wear a colored thread bracelet or tie a tight garter around your thigh to continually remind yourself (but it works for Opus Dei..), find some other form of ‘aid memoir’ if you wish. Just DO IT – judge yourself against a better version in some small task and go against your Egos inclination, what you normally do, your precious little mood swing, anxiety or low-level dislike, whatever really. And then DO IT some more. SEE THE BIG DIFFERENCE BETWEEN THEM AND YOU, AND ‘US’ IS THAT A PART OF YOU REALLY WANTS TO DO THIS, ANIMALS JUST WANT TO GET PISSED, HAVE A CHEAP THRILL AND THEN GO BACK TO SLEEP. They get through their shit little day-to-day life of a slave by simply having some little crappy thing to look forward to at the end of the day, and that makes it worth it… indeed ‘you’ may be that little piece of magic that they crave. Is that ALL LIFE IS FOR YOU?
Take a second right now to try and understand that… understand the pointless horror of it…. Given the choice of something better I’m giving you, why the fuck would you bother with that, with being an animal in a field, being kept alive by seemingly benign farmers, while waiting to be killed and eaten, WHILE KNOWING THEY ARE JUST FOOD FOR THE ‘OTHERS’. Hell, well now at least you may understand just how fucking happy it makes those animals when they occasionally manage to catch and crush the odd farmer to death, why they take ANY OPPORTUNITY TO GET THEIR OWN BACK. See maybe they are cleverer than you, they have figured out what this is about, and they are not going out without a fight…
Yeah I know.. still struggling eh, you have no ‘space’ in your head to even really process what I’ve said, let alone ‘remember’ to remember it all the time. So I’m going to create some SPACE for you, I’m going kick out one of the little posts that is currently holding up a small part of the whole fecked up edifice that is you, disrupt your chain of thoughts, and create that space for you, should you decide to do it. I’m going to help you stop one of the key triggers of this current mental slavery – I’m going to help you break your State of Attachment to external conditions and therefore BREAK THE CHAIN OF YOUR MENTAL DIALOGUE. Break both your Hyperarousal and the reflection of it which is your crushing Boredom and Low Mood swings. This will create the SPACE IN YOUR HEAD, every now and again at first, to START TO JUDGE AND CHANGE YOURSELF FOR NO OTHER REASON THAN YOU HAVE DECIDED TOO. Later this process will change your life, indeed you will actually start living because of it, but for now, you need to LEARN THE PROCESS, THE HABIT OF DOING IT in an easy way, understand?
Genius eh? I know.. HOWEVER, YOU are still going to need TO DO IT, use this space I’m giving you and change some stuff, however small beer that is at the beginning – that is the point of this little speech. If you don’t ‘understand’ the reason why now even breaking your state of attachment won’t really go anywhere, the effort is ultimately wasted as you don’t know what to do with ‘it’, what to do next.. So, want a hint (one I have given you before no less..) – look at your existing judgments at first, for example, do the ‘easy’ bad habits, what you already know you should not do as nothing good comes of them in the long run, however much your ego wants to do them in the moment. This is how you start to climb out of ‘always going with yourself’, to actually IMPOSE the judgments you have ALREADY made, its just that you were such a weak-ass mess that you could not do that before.. But now you can, should you do the easy method of Non-Attachment, now you have a little bit of ‘space’ to change.
Cool, ok then, so now you get what you are actually trying to do overall. Now you can see the point of this? No? Sorry there is no more explanation at this point – read the above over and over again until it makes an impression on you. The only other point worth noting is that the gifted amongst you should already have had the experience of something ‘else’ judging yourself against your normal inclination, it’s a fundamental part of your higher emotions that you may occasionally already experience, usually either feeling bad or perhaps a sense righteousness/justice. There is no need to use this one or that at this stage, it’s just important you recognize that you do judge yourself against your inclination at times, particularly when it’s not driven by fear of being found out. If you don’t already feel ‘some’ of this stuff then it’s pretty unlikely that you are gifted, so maybe you should stop reading this and go back to Facebook…
Remember – I’m teaching you the way to lower your State of Attachment in order to break the continual chain of your thoughts, giving you some ‘space’ in your head to ‘decide’ to ‘Go Against Yourself’ through the mechanism of ‘Self Reflection’. You have to USE THIS SKILL TO IMPROVE YOURSELF, otherwise you will simply end up as some fluffy new ager, basking in ‘peace of mind’, or some highly gifted right-hand path devotee or priest, waiting patiently for God to speak to them (which does not happen for a while…). This is just the start, not the end, you are just getting ready for the BIG STUFF – there is no point in learning high end spiritual method like this unless you ‘take the wheel’ of yourself and start down the path proper, the path of the ‘Aristo’.
This is how ‘Power Over Yourself’ works and doing this action every day will ‘Raise your Level of Consciousness’. The more you raise your level the more Power Over Yourself you will be able to use by simply being more self-possessed, in control. The more you use this power the more you will raise your level of consciousness – you are climbing a step ladder, stepping left foot up, then right foot up, then again… until it becomes 2nd nature, a habit. In this sense, your Level of Consciousness is the amount of ability you have to be self-conscious at some level for some amount of time, ‘see’ yourself in the 3rd person consistently. Power Over Yourself is your ability to use what you can ‘see’ to make a judgment, form a higher opinion for or against your Ego, and act on it – they are a matched pair.
Now, the method of Non-Attachment itself – Calm Abiding. Let’s start to break the chain shall we..
Firstly.. what the Ankh is telling you to do is direct your attention to the Corner of your Eyes, all the time. Yep, you ‘look’ straight ahead, but you ‘examine’, pay attention to what is at the edges of your vision. It sounds weird but quickly becomes 2nd nature when you get used to it. When you practice this at the beginning try to move your eyes left to right quite quickly while keeping your head still and you will get a sense of how far you can see out of the corners – almost 90 degrees from the front. Once you have a little image of what is there hold them straight ahead and try again to look, it will be much clearer. Be clear, this ability only comes with practice, you have never done it before so you have to try. You use your eyes in ‘landscape’ instead of ‘portrait’ mode, so it’s fine to narrow your eyes a little.
You do this all the time, to the point that you STOP moving both your head and eyes in your head to look casually at the world around you when you don’t need to. At the start, it is easier to practice this when you are moving, as things that are changing at the side of you are ‘easier’ to put your attention on than static stuff. You might need to do this in stages by only using your attention at 45 degrees to the front rather than going straight to 80-90 degrees to the side, particularly if you are particularly hyper. A great way to practice this is while doing the posture walk or as a passenger in a car, looking to the side of the car while keeping your eyes fixed forward. Crucially you need to get used to directing your attention, NOT your eyes, it will take a while but it can be done with practice.
Secondly.. when you start to do this well you should get a sense of ‘yourself in the environment’, literally feel that your attention is just sitting aimlessly around you – you become conscious of the empty space around you. Best to start to do this when in a wide-open space, with at least 10m clear in any direction. Then maintain that view and start walking. This will happen slowly at first but become quite strong quite quickly if you do it a lot. Remember to Focus on that space with your mental attention as much as you can, and not on where your eyes are pointing. All this is about directing your mental attention, which you need to separate from the direction of your eyes. A lovely way to do this is simply to circle your attention around yourself while stationary, start by just doing at 45 degrees in front of yourself – examine from left to right and back again.
What will happen you cry? You will calm down in a controlled and centered way, you will feel good about it. However, there are specific states you are looking for here:
- Stage 1: you will start to find it quite nice, restful to use your eyes this way, you even prefer it. Your eyes are no longer easily drawn to things, even stuff that is moving, but not all the time. It’s very calming but in an active way, and you start to feel even more conscious of your surroundings. DON’T zone out, if you do come straight back your eyes – zoning out is the curse of all the other ‘high focus’ ways to do this, hence we use this ‘active’ one.
- Stage 2: Then you will find your eyes start to stop moving, they set in one position/focal length, often looking at things you are not really looking at. They seem to want to rest there, at gazing in a particular direction for no reason, and you don’t want to move them, it is an effort mentally to move them, particularly when you are still. You have no desire to move them, which is the beginning of Non-Attachment. This is often experienced lying down, but it cannot be forced without special techniques that you should not use until you have trained your eyes to stop continually seeking a set focal length.
- Stage 3: After a while in Stage 2 you start to notice you are not even looking at stuff anymore, particularly straight ahead. At the beginning of this stage you feel like you are looking just in front of the scenery, at empty space without any effort to do it, later you will start to look at a set distance away, whatever the scenery is. You may even see some strange visual effects that are flowing in nature. Don’t try and follow these with your eyes, keep in-state, look at it with your attention or just rest in empty space. This is the state of Non-Attachment, when your eyes ‘rest easy’ on empty space and your mental attention rests easily in a wide-angle ‘landscape’ mode. Stick with it as long as you can.
They may not happen in this order, they make take a while or they may be day 2, it depends on where you are already. This method is meant to build on what you started with Posture in the 5th Secret, as it uses that increase in consciousness you are developing, so it is fine to do these methods at the same time.
This is what the Ancients meant by to Crucify yourself (you’re Ego), spiritually, as you have constrained it, nailed it down. Some even like to ‘feel’ that crucifixion of the Ego, that pinning it back against the wall when they put the attention to the corner of their eyes as it gives them a hard ‘gateway’ feel they can use to return to it easily. If you like, hold your arms out in the crucified pose, look straight ahead but try and see ‘both’ your hands out of the corners of your eyes – this is the ancient method of starting this, helps if you move your hands back and forth a little at the beginning before your vision gets used to ‘landscape’ mode. It’s actually very effective but can feel a little ‘blasphemous’ to some, mocking Christ etc so do it alone in a room. These days folks have little tolerance for mild discomfort let alone pain, so you might want to hold your arms forward at 45 degrees when you start then wave them back and forth, try for no more than 10 seconds, otherwise it will hurt.. A lot.
To remind you, by stopping the continual sequence of patterns forming in your mind you are literally stopping ‘yourself’ from thinking in a sequence, you are breaking the chain of normal thoughts, and is a priceless state for that reason. It will deliver you some ‘space’ in between your thoughts for you to use as you will. Use it to Judge yourself, not other things or other people. The stronger your judgment of external shit is the more you identify, the more attached you are, and the more you waste yourself. Your judgments are more precious than you know, don’t waste them on others..
Lastly to remember:
- This is Spiritual Method, its not Cardio, where you can make progress during the exercise itself, get better at the method during the method. This is BodyBuilding, you just give 100% of your focus for the time allotted and stop, happy that you have simply completed it. Progress comes offline, maybe even as a sudden insight, maybe you will see the next time you Try.
- You don’t Focus on How you do the Method, you do the Method in an ambivalent manner, off hand even, try different ways of doing it, mess around with it, that may feel better, or maybe you did not understand the instructions. Don’t force yourself to do it exactly the way you ‘think’ you should.
- You do Focus on watching yourself do the Method, you observe yourself, as intently as possible, to a very high level of detail if possible. Even better if you feel emotional for some other reason, and you know to do the method then cause that will actually help the method work.
That’s it.. good luck. You may have picked up already this method is a matched pair with Posture, and needs only the 3rd part in the 7th Secret to be a complete procedure. Don’t worry about that now, just do them together when out walking, the intermediate stage..
- Lots of modern folks equate this to social media buzz words like ‘Triggering’, which is no harm, as long as you understand that this is about a State, not about individual events. In the State of Attachment you cannot stop being triggered, whatever you do, you have to change your state, not avoid Triggers. However, using your awareness of your Triggers as a ‘Trigger’ to ‘go against yourself’ is ideal, when you have some of the space to be able to ‘judge yourself’ on command.
- A key reason why both of these methods are here this early is that they both have a strong effect on your Character, which is crucial for the gifted, as you are dominated by it, rather than the rational processes you think you engage in. These methods change your Character, pure and simple, they will make you more reserved, more self-possessed, and less likely to be triggered like a dog in a park chasing after a ball/a tree/a cat/a rabbit/other dogs shit.. this way and that. This will start to ‘Class You Up’ a little, which is nice..
- This is a safe easy method and it’s impossible to overdo it, so go mad and do it 12hrs a day if you like. HOWEVER, a small percentage of folks do find both the change in themselves and the change in their relationships, because of the change in themselves, challenging. That’s up to you, everything depends on you, but if you want some friendly advice, don’t discuss this with normal people, maintain the current ‘roles’ you have. For interesting, and often very low levels reasons your closest relationships can become very scared when you start to change therefore they ‘act up’. Unschooled gifted people tend to attract ‘hangers on’, who struggle by themselves, much as they tend to ‘project’ that onto you instead, so just be nice and keep this to yourself, otherwise you may find they try and stop you, a lot.
- Your perception may change. I don’t mean some huge drug-like state, I mean some of you who have major issues with attachment, with uncontrolled attention will go back to normal with a bigger jump. Some people, who may or may not be a little on the Witch side of the ancestral equation can get a strong kick off this method, a big effect that hits them much harder. Be clear, what you are going back to what would be ‘Normal’ for your type, so don’t worry when familiar things start to look unfamiliar, it’s a good thing.
- Lastly if you start to notice substantial changes in your life when you start this method, rejoice as it’s proof that you are gifted to at least a reasonable degree. Don’t worry about this, don’t get excited by this, you are barely out of the starting blocks. Use this as your motivation to know that there is a hell of a lot more waiting to be discovered, should you continue with the easy stuff I’ve given you so far. You are going to change, and you may find that desire to change starts to affect many things in your life, new places, new people, new ‘roles’, just pace yourself and do it gently, wait until you can crawl spiritually before you start kicking in doors or walking out. As I said, have some Class for it ‘own’ sake, for ‘your’ sake, no less…
To end now, if you enjoy controlling your attention in this way then please skip these next 2 paragraphs. But I know many of you will struggle with the desire to do this consistently, you quickly discover you don’t want to do it, you don’t like it. And that’s an issue for teachers because it can mean 1 of 2 very different things. See, it’s not that you can’t do it, it’s that you ‘need’ to look at things all the time in order to ‘be’, to be amused or interested in some crap or other. You only really exist in the context of your environment – you actually ‘are’ that context, there is not much else to you, you need the stuff to look at before you can form an opinion even, you ‘disagree’ a lot. You have become little more than a mirror of your environment, reflecting back what you see – you are just an animal. That’s all fine, that is the majority of humanity, but suggests this blog is not for you, much as it is difficult to be sure – this is an easy one to get wrong.
HOWEVER, maybe you also like/love being looked at, so if you CRAVE attention as your drug of choice, even from people you don’t know or like, particularly in large numbers, then it is highly likely that you are Gifted, at least at a ‘sensitive’ level, but just lack the ‘will’ to change your state. You hate routine, you don’t really care about other people, indeed you enjoy spending time by yourself much as you are quite agreeable with other folks too. You obsess over ‘new’ things, particularly people or music, but quickly become tired of them and need more ‘new’ things – you need ‘different’ but only what ‘suits’ you, because you are actually very fragile, a bit of a ‘lost soul’. Changing your state is a threat to your already unstable status quo. This is by far the most challenging type of Gifted person to get to start to practice, BUT the type that benefits the most from doing it once they start. If this is you then you have to push past the resistance to Try as YOUR NO1 JOB IN LIFE, or, whatever you do, you will fail, and I do mean at everything, at life…
Be clear, whatever you decide, if you have read this far after all the warnings I’ve given you then know that I wash my hands now of any obligation to protect you. The next set of 3 secrets have a much sharper edge so they will cut much deeper, particularly if you scare easy. If you feel you are gifted, try. If not, don’t.
Summary – What I’ve written above is one of the greatest things you will ever learn if this path is for you – the ‘key to living’ no less. Over time I will teach you how to use it in certain situations to empower yourself, even strengthen it by the use of ancient picture machines… In the next, 7th Secret I’m going to put a structure around all of this and set it in a context, so you understand the difference between a Spiritual Practice, Procedure, Routine, Method, the layer cake of this process, how it works and how they all fit together. I’m going to explain what the Spiritual Practice of Gnosis is, and why it is the fundamental one on the 4th way, indeed what I actually mean by the real version of ‘The Ride’. But you need to do Secrets 5 and 6 for a while, you need to start to practice a method or two, so you will have to wait. In the meantime read all these 6 Secrets again, (I’ve edited some of them based on feedback) so you understand you are on the Royal road to conscious spirituality now – you need to turn down your Ego/Yourself via the feeling of Relief/Compassion and develop some Power Over Yourself with the 2 linked methods of Posture and Attention.
I’ll leave you with this – in truth, all you really have to do for now is WALK around 2 or 3 times a day whilst doing the 2 methods of Posture and Attention at the same time, on the way to work, on a treadmill, around your house, with the dog, it really doesn’t matter where but nature is best. Hold your back up high, long stride out, look straight ahead but examine what’s at the corner of your eyes – you will change or you won’t. No knowledge or belief is required…how easy is that?
Yep, I know I could have told you that at the start but then you would not have passed any tests to get here, would you, my dear. See this is a long post, and I respect that you have got to the end of it, so I’ll tell you this, hell you have earnt it – the key to all of this is to know that your Attachments and Patterns are NOT you, the one making the judgment is YOU, the real you, and that ‘judge’ will change, evolve and grow into your life, taking more and more control as its goes. Little by little, all your moods, likes and dislikes come under its control and you become very conscious of them, as they come and go. That is Step 1 on the Royal Road – when you have (some) control of yourself, and hence you now know, (for certain) that previously you had NO control.
Lastly – remember this is the Left-hand path here, the path of Power over Yourself, we are not religious, we follow the way of the Aristo, in the ancient Greek sense of it. You have to use the results of spiritual practice to improve yourself, you don’t give them away to some imagined creator god – we are not livestock, we help ourselves SO we can then help others. Therefore it is not enough to break your state of attachment, you must use it to build a solid ‘platform’ to stand on, gather yourself, and start the real journey forward. Yes, all the last 2 secret posts are really doing is getting you back to ‘zero’, getting you to the starting line, FIXING AND PREPARING YOU, so the rest of this will actually work. Now you are something like ‘normal’ in the world of the gifted, you can actually start, and that is when you realize THIS IS THE WHOLE POINT OF LIFE, EVOLUTION AT ITS FINEST. To do this you must ‘value’ yourself, see yourself as something special and therefore worthy of your time and care – you become a development project. It does not matter why you value yourself, but you cannot ‘disregard’ yourself on this path, you cannot be a ‘slave’ – we don’t seek to destroy ourselves, smash ourselves to pieces and start again, to be ‘born again’, that is the right-hand path. You must start from where you are standing, right now… start to get better while still ‘being’ you.
If you are lucky you will start to ‘love’ this stuff now, start to ‘understand’ Nietzsche’s classic guidance for greatness, the ultimate guide for the Hedonists of this world – ‘Amor Fati’, to use your passion for life (the feeling of spiritual ‘connection’, either generated by/to someone, something special or, later just incorrectly projected on to anyone close enough) to actually develop yourself in ‘everything’ you do. You must feel that connection all the time, and use it to grow, to develop yourself, rather than waste it on cheap thrills, on pointless Hedonsim, which is death. Then you can take Yeshua’s advice, and ONLY do things you have that connection to, you simply ‘don’t do anything you hate’, anymore, you don’t do anything, think anything that makes you tense, that generates that resistance inside you. Indeed, along with the Caduceus (in the New Testament ‘brazen serpent’ sense of it), ‘Amor fati’ is the only tattoo you should consider getting at the start. All of this will form the basis of the 8th/9th/10th Secrets, on developing that feeling of connection into something useful, into a proper ‘conscience’, instead of the low level, rather extreme one you may be lucky enough to have now, that seems to be designed to spoil you otherwise perfectly cheerful little animal existence. Be grateful for it, as it means the next stage of your development will go MUCH QUICKER.
Next time it will be the 7th Secret, the practice of ‘Turning Your Light Within’ which leads to Gnosis, should you have any light to start with. And you do, don’t you… why else are you reading this? For the gifted this will be easy now, it just won’t feel like that, because you have to relearn how to learn, and that means you have to use a formal, structured approach, otherwise you will forget all the various elements. See I don’t want you to just drift around like some sad little new ager, ‘zoning out’ on some harmless meditation retreat led by people who have no clue what they doing, who have simplified everything to the point it is useless, meaningless.
Finally, before we end for today its important to understand that the next one, the 7th secret is not 1 thing – it’s not about practice in the sense you understand, in the sense of it being a hobby, it is about ‘realizing all of it’, starting to ‘practice’ like you can actually do all of it at the beginning, to start to ‘live it’, even before you can do it. See you need to know what it looks like for ‘you’, so the 7th secret is 3 things, 3 parts, only one of which is about the method, the ‘engine’ of development in the car that is you. The other part is about how you ‘change your mind’ by disassociating from yourself, best said as ‘how to steer’ (what ‘growing a soul’ looks like, becoming conscious of yourself). And the last bit is how you start to be spiritual all the time, by starting to ‘perform it’, like ‘how to change to a higher gear’ (what ‘growing a conscience’ looks like, connecting to your essence). See method is really only a small part of the 3rd way, and really only generates the ‘fuel’ in you required to ‘drive it’, to be it, all the time. After a while, the engine of spiritual method not only changes but the process starts to drop away entirely, as it will start to happen by itself – see at the beginning you need to ‘pedal’, do method in a mechanical way, but after a while all you need to do is turn on the engine and press the accelerator, as you will have better fuel ready to power it. Therefore you need to get used to what that actually looks like right at the beginning, otherwise you will miss all the clues when it starts to happen by itself, and remain stuck pedaling forever. Hell… most seekers will even think pedaling is all there actually is, cause those nice Zen people simply don’t write down the rest of it… Worse if you have a lot of fuel in your tank you don’t use and the pressure builds and builds you will have a tendency to abuse Hedonism, to become a bit fucked up, so you do kinda have to use it…
I know you cannot do it yet, let this stuff take over your life at the start, you are stuck looking out of the back window of your ‘car’, you have no ability to steer, to change gear, to accelerate. So I’ll lay it out for you in a more structured way, so you know, you will at least know ‘how to drive’ your car, and that currently, right now you are just a passenger in your life. In that way, I’ll try and make it easy for you to change, to ‘act differently’, to change your character slowly, even pleasantly because you are going to need to now – I’m going to try and get you to ‘want’ to change your character, for it to be important to you. All through these posts I use a subtle form of aversion therapy to try and make you see just how pointless your normal life is, should you be gifted, but I now need to show you how amazing your new life could be, whilst understanding that it really is a whole new life, new character, this is not a computer game. Many of your ‘tastes’, your likes and dislikes, your passive state of mind all need to change, and that is the bit you will find hardest, but you should know that until you are willing to change your character, your attitudes to life, you will only ever get a taste of this, no matter how gifted you are. You have to know what to do with all this stuff, how to steer, how to change gear, how to accelerate, otherwise, you have NO CONTROL and what happens will be random and short-lived – you can pedal as much as you like, but you won’t actually go anywhere, get it?
I wish you good luck with the trials to come, for now however, the one thing you can do for yourself is change your ‘passive’ state of mind to an ‘active’ one, to change your default setting to that of a warrior, rather than the harmless little slave to yourself you have become, to develop a bias for action and hence perfection… so:
For now, in normal life, whenever you do anything simple, routine, ask yourself how I can do this better first, whenever you can, and then try doing something different, a different way than you normally do, with a focus on doing it ‘precisely’, efficiently, and in 1 try only. Does not matter if you don’t know a ‘better’ for this or that, just ask yourself the question, then do what you think best – if it helps ALWAYS TELL YOURSELF YOU ARE CRAP, USELESS AT IT, AS THAT WILL REALLY HELP. Or maybe know that the ‘whole world is watching’ and judging every single little public, private, hidden thing you do, EVERYTHING – what do YOU think THEY think of you so far, eh…? FEEL THAT JUDGEMENT AND ACT ACCORDING TO THAT FEELING.
Do this. Don’t ‘justify’ it away to yourself, don’t just give up. You will end up as some fucked up freakshow whose whole life consists of being a social media troll, an innuendo-laden, attention-seeking freak, who dreams of being clever in their creepy little secret life. So bloody delusional, so simple-minded that you don’t even realize your criticism of others is just one big projection of your own little shames. You are one more tedious skank/dork with zero life experience trying to make yourself feel better, lever yourself up the food chain by projecting your own boring little faults onto ‘better’ people, which is the curse of the modern world. Everything about you is fake, your social media profiles, your opinions, your achievements, you are ‘harmless’, ‘gutless’, you have to creep around, hide in the shadows… You can never even face it and say what you actually think to the folks you actually talk about, as ‘hey what would the others say about me’, cause they are really scary…. You are just one more of the homogenous, PC, woke middle classes, using every little fad or media trend to get likes on some bland shit you have posted or tweeted, as your creepy little social media coach told you to, but what does it matter, sure that reposted, formulaic shit you just liked makes you look cool, eh. So you will keep the job it took you years to get for another day, be the ‘man’, much as you have probably never thrown a punch, let alone used a weapon, run from the law, mopped up your own blood, burned the clothes, buried the bodies, but you ‘think’ you have cause you play games, watch screens – hell you get scared when your pet gets sick. It’s not big, not clever, it’s not even interesting – you are vanilla, you don’t even really exist outside of your fantasies, no one cares, not even you. Sure, you are right, it was all their fault, they made you do this by some imagined slight or not returning your affection, even though they were busy with something else… you are good, really you are, even though you act like a total dick. Yep, let that meaningless shit define your whole life, rant away on your little chat group, be a stereotype of the modern world, ‘fit in’. In the meantime, in your sober moments, maybe remind yourself that, sadly, you are what you do, not why you think you do it, and you would be surprised at how many folks know that, it’s just that they don’t really care either… but hey it’s your life.
Yeah, I know, none of that may be true for you, you may already ‘value’ yourself, have some class, some sense of personal honor. Maybe at some point in your life you have had to actually fight, rather than just randomly press the ‘X’ button as you mainline escapism, jerking off, pretending, just to get a break from all the sad little roles that define you. You may not have to make things up, to lie to yourself and others in some vain attempt to sure up the whole unstable, unhappy little edifice that is you, layer upon layer of creaky scaffolding holding up all the bullshit you have told yourself, repeated so often you now believe its true. You may not use drugs to act out like some chubby little wannabe badass every night, sitting in the dark texting threatening crap to anyone you envy, before later folding up like a bitch, begging for forgiveness, claiming your demons did it, blaming your mental health issues because you are a messy parasite who would actually run away screaming from the dumbest little postcode gangster, while they piss themselves laughing at one more middle-class coke head. If, however, you see just a little bit of yourself in the above, why not TRY, live a little, you are dead for such a very long time. Why not take a moment of clarity to be ashamed of yourself, should you be capable of that emotion, of what you have become, preferably before you bore yourself (and others) to death with your low-quality bullshit. See shame, particularly public shame, is one of the very easiest ways to start to ‘value’ yourself.
YOU HAVE TO TRY, just reading this is not enough – stand up now and TRY something, anything, that is ‘different’. YOU ARE NOT ENTITLED TO SHIT IN THE REAL WORLD, YOU HAVE TO DO IT.
Quote to end as always – don’t worry about who this is unless you really like American poetry, let’s just say she kinda owns the ‘long walks in nature’ artistic vibe..
‘This is the first, wildest, and wisest thing I know, that the soul exists, and that it is built entirely out of attention.’ – Mary Oliver